How To: Eat Froyo

Molly Wallner
Staff Writer

Welcome back! I hope that many fulfilling hugs have come your way since our last issue was released. As for me, I have been a hugging machine; I’m surprised my arms haven’t fallen off! Over the weekend I discovered yet another appropriate context for hugging: when getting frozen yogurt. Unfortunately, this is all too often a hug given to comfort rather than congratulate. It seems people just aren’t sure how to go about eating frozen yogurt anymore, and the result is a tummy-aching waste of two to five dollars. This just will not do, and I won’t have it. That is why this week’s article is: how to make the most of your froyo experience.

Now I realize that we all have different tastes when it comes to this kind of thing. That is why I will walk you through my own process, and you can judge for yourself if it is right for you.

1) No matter how tempting it looks, you do not need a cup size bigger than medium. I don’t care if you’ve had a really tough week and you just want to drown your sorrows in frozen goodness, hoping that the dangerously high degree of sugar will clog your tear ducts, or at least make them sweeter as the tears roll down into your mouth. You do NOT need a large.

2) Start with a neutral flavor: my personal favorite is plain tart, sometimes known as Euro tart. I’m a candy lady, myself, and I know that this will give me a good, clean base to load up with sweets. Fill the container only a quarter of the way, even though it looks like a tiny baby could finish it in two seconds with no problem. You will thank me later, when all your friends are keeled over with brain-freezes and sharp stomach pains and you are still scooping delicious spoonfuls of froyo into your smiling mouth.

3) Toppings are tricky because everything looks good. I suggest pausing in front of the wide array of treats and really thinking about your objective. Are you in the mood for something sweet, fruity, chewy, fudgy, unique? You’ve got a lot to consider. If you are more adventurous, make sure you don’t go too wild, or else you’ll end up with a cup full of kiwis and reese’s pieces, wondering what has happened to your life.

4) The final step, of course, is to enjoy your little cup of heaven. Do not eat too quickly or else you might black out and wake up an hour later on a park bench, your shirt covered in caramel sauce and strawberries frozen in your hair. You also shouldn’t eat too slowly, or else all your hard work will melt into a gross-looking soup, with the tip of your beard lightly resting in the mush. I recommend five to seven SPM (spoons per minute). This way you can really let the deliciousness take its effect. You’ll know your doing it right if you can’t help but smile.

Just follow these 4 simple steps, and you will never fear the inevitable frozen yogurt outing again. Watch out froyo city, here you come!

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